Today, I am going to talk about anxiety.

While I can not find a proper medical term for this, I am pretty certain that I have anxiety over finances and my time... all in all my limited resources.

I realised this issue from when I was working in the UK last year. It was not like I was saving any money, but I constantly feel like I don't have enough... I should delay all sort of enjoyment or entertainment that requires spending. If I am spending, there needs to be a purpose. Perhaps that purpose could be when I was going out with my friends and I knew I would need to spend over lunches or coffees as this is just how the society works. But deep down, I was not enjoying it. The emptiness and pain that I felt when spending 4 pounds on a coffee was way more that the enjoyment I get from that cup of coffee. Very rarely was I spending money on myself, not because I don't think I deserve it, but I just think the spending is not necessary. The fund can serve a better purpose, but not a bottle of water when I am thirty, not popcorn in the cinema, not a nice lunch when I am feeling exhausted at work. It was as if pleasure for myself was not a legitimate reason to spend what I earn by myself. I felt I was constantly on edge, with the mindset like a refugee not knowing whether I have enough for my next meal, when the reality is I had a full time job that provided a stable source of income.

And occasionally you get scammed or something, don't you? You paid for something and then it turned out to be faulty? Or you simply lost your wallet? Moments like this pull my trigger and lead me to think ... why the hell did I work so hard? What is the point of life? It's like a constant delay of gratification and then at the end, I am not getting anything out of it. I have certainly come to think a lot of more that what the subject matter deserves sometimes.

Meanwhile, I have an issue with time. My awareness of time being a scarce resource has spiked to the maximum. I don't want to waste anytime and I feel like time is so limited. I have used up an hour of my time left in this universe as I am writing this. It feels insane to think like that, but it is constantly on my mind. 

As a result, I am constantly looking to minimising my resources used. I have become so calculated when it comes to with who and on what to spend my resources. At the end I find myself not enjoying anything I am doing. I am not developing the skills I want to acquire because I am always looking for shortcuts. I am not living in the present. I am constantly thinking about the next thing I want to or need to do because then I think no time will go wasted. I can't concentrate on anything. 

Now that I have returned to Spain about a year working in the UK. I should feel like I am set free. I am in my favourite place where the sun comes out everyday. I should be having a coffee and reading a book in my favourite café or be walking around the city, having a glass of wine under the sun. Yet, I find myself trying to be useful, trying to fill up my day with things that would up-skill myself, making sure every minute is well spend with minimal financial investment required. I tend to beat myself up so much when I am spending on things that are momentary, that is simply for pleasure. This is such a sick thought.

I envy so much of the same Cherrie who came to Spain 5 years ago, without a job, without a master, spoke less than 3 languages fluently, without a stable partner ... basically without a clue what she was doing with her life. Yet she was able to live and enjoy life without the feeling of guilt. She quit her nine to five that provided abundance precisely to live a life she wanted to live, to experience, to make mistakes and to become a better person day by day. 

It seems quite an inspiring story when I look at her and how far she has come. Then why on earth am I feeling unworthy as if I don't deserve to enjoy the sunshine and the cup of coffee that I worked for when I am precisely this person who has worked hard to get to where I am now? The version of myself now was exactly what I wished I would grow into. I need to remember this. I need to remember that life is for living, not for working harder so that I could enjoy it even more in the future. I should give myself credits for what I have done, and celebrate small wins. Those small wins were things that I dreamt to achieve. Stop searching for the next wave of success. Enjoy the process, the mistakes, the bumps. the downs and the ups. This should be what life is about.

It's easier said than done, of course. Every morning I wake with guilt thinking I need to be producing something, be it about learning X number of vocabulary in a language that I am learning, or finding out how Amazon works so I can set up a business there. But wait I need to make sure I watch enough material and tutorial to make sure my imaginative business becomes a big hit, so that no resources go wasted... STOP PLEASE.

I am looking for ways to overcome this anxiety. For instance, I am forcing myself to spend time in creative work such as learning watercolours, do more exercises especially those that helps me practice mindfulness. I am signing up to courses that I am interested and give me some sort of routine. I still get distracted and be thinking I could be doing something much more valuable. But I am trying to stay grounded and live in the present. 

I am working hard on my own journey, and I will give it some time. There will be better days and worse days. I will still feel anxious for not doing enough. But I will try to remind myself from time to time that this is what working on myself and investing in myself is about. There isn't always a final goal. Sometimes it's about the process, the journey.  

See you next time. x